Hello

By the time I was 1 year old it was apparent I was "not quite right"and I would not be diagnosed until age 30! As I went through grade school without speaking it became more noticeable. Otherwise, I was fine just the way God made me. The only one to remind me of that was my grandmother...to everyone else I was their dirty little secret because I would never tell what they were doing, or I was a "bad" kid because I did not make them look good. I left them all behind at age 11, being sent to one institution after another until I was 15...release left me with a father who tried to rape me again, then tried to kill me... Escape left me living in parks, getting loaded and all that goes on with young girls and older drunks and addiction. A life I didn't even feel I deserved; one I did not want to live. I got sober, had a son, was living in a car for years. Without food and shelter my leukemia got worse so soon I could no longer work to get food or shelter. Many people in the recovery programs where I sought a paying job after volunteering for two years and being three years sober, said they would never hire me because I looked "loaded" all the time. I was physically dis-integrating--and then I died in the summer of 1992.

Now I have been there before, due to illnesses and overdose, but was always asked if I wanted to come back. I must have had a better view of possibilities from there, because I would come back and wonder why--I was living the same impossible life where my "friends" and colleagues insisted I was using drugs when I'd been sober for years--and all the sobriety, degrees and counseling experience would still not be enough to get a job or place to live. But this time I was not asked--I was put back in a dead body, and got to witness the healing that transpired in just a few minutes. Spirit flowed through, awakening nerves and systems began to work together. I began to breathe, and sweat and then fell unconscious. But this was only the beginning. It was a long road back from total dis-integration and unwinding of body from spirit and mind. I kept a journal, but I was still in it alone...just me and God, only this time I was not merely lying in the back seat of a car praying to live or die. There was forward movement--but as I had been told, I was coming from further behind than anyone else in the race "to get somewhere in life". 

The second morning of my new life, I had a vision--either an Everest vision I would climb to achieve, or one that was to come somehow: It was a recovery ranch in the forest. Along the way I have lost hope and said maybe I just stayed at someone else's ranch, or maybe it is not a recovery place but a dying place... I earned degrees and certifications, I looked here and there for it, but could not find nor achieve it...it took a long time to get well enough to RECEIVE what was being given. I still am under the impression that I must earn the life and the ranch that I've been given--still human, after all. :)